The short & the sweet of it

After getting halfway through "Parachute", I jumped headlong into a rabbit hole leading to endless possibilities...most important of them all, is the rediscovery of self; re-actualization of redeeming qualities, skills, & essential awesomeness of ME. It's so easy to pick on the negative - of anything- much less yourself. So getting to a point where I was able to realize that mine was not the first mistake to be made, nor will it be the last, and that I possess unique characteristics that no one else has, is a hard lesson to learn and accept. Not only because I constantly criticize myself against my peers, but because I have a firm belief that self evaluation is an important part of redefining processes & thoughts for efficiency & quality.

Here is what, in my belief, was my fatal flaw (amongst smaller, minute flaws): I was living haphazardly; with no definite plan that mapped out short term goals versus long term goals, & carve them in stone.  Sure, you can PLAN on getting a hair cut, or AIM to talk to that really cute guy in accounting, but there is a definite, albeit fine & complex, difference between developing/ implementing, & keeping in mind the particular down to the 't'. The real work comes when you have the finer details mapped out, & can effectively compile them into a coherent, more efficient, process. 

So we come to a fork in the road, where structure, the unknown of the universe & the makings of the human mind all converge: where do you go from there? At this moment, having a beer at my favorite after work dive, my mind wanders to the moments of despair that I all too often frequent. But I am redeemed by my moments of clarity, as I highly doubt that any one on this earth is consistent to the point of perfect clarity... Any one see the movie Limitless? And if you did, was it somehow reminiscent of university students on speed or aderrhol? Because that's how it came off to me... Suddenly, with the help of one little pill (bc that's all the we need today to solve life's problems, right?) He was catapulted into the throws of perfect, focus, thought...so focused that he thrust his mind into the future & skipped any superfluous activity...

WHOOOA...

So I will sign off with that...opinions are more than welcome (;

Collecting dust?

I begin my journey with the purchase of a book. Just now reaching its 40th anniversary edition (I will refrain from revealing the name) my colleague and now mentor suggested it to me as a means to tracking my goals, motivators, & indicators.  And as I crack it open I can't help but be swept away by the initial adrenaline, thinking, "now my life begins, I'm going to follow this book precisely and get a better job, a better life, a be a better person!" But unfortunately that's not reality. Reality is that there is no precise formula for success. It takes multiple tries for some, and merely one for others. Perhaps my journey to happiness will be more direct, but I'm counting on it being wound around many corners, cliffs, mountains, and valleys. I can say that I finally see what I must do to become successful, & how hard I must work to make that dream manifest.  So much of my life has been based off of my viewing others and their successes and wondering when that "good luck bug" would bite me.  I guess you can say my thinking was slightly skewed, at best.  In this life, you cannot gamble with luck, you gamble with strategic moves, variable risks, & alternative moves in mind at all times. In this global market today, life is a game of chess, not hop scotch.

I see now that all those whom I envied so much worked hard, and some silently so, to get what they needed and wanted. I still wonder what kept me from following suit. Every move must be calculated to the decimal, and not a day should go by wherein you do not keep your end goal in mind. From the pennies and dollars you must save and or spend, to the relationships you foster and networks you build, all adds up to create the brand of YOU. 

I recall passing by a coworker's desk & noticing a quote about excellence written on their wall..."Excellence is not an act, but a habit" (Aristotle). After some light hearted conversation, I said, "What if your excellent habits come in spurts? What if you are a habitual excellence producer, but haven't gotten to that full blown stage?" My end point was to say that my excellence comes in sprint like moments, and jokingly, that my excellence was SO excellent in those moments that I nor anyone would have enough excellence left to sustain. Looking back at those moments, I realize the true, utter sad folly of it all: it's a profound statement that in a sense indicates where I am, & how I perceive myself. Not only did I realize that I do not produce consistent, high quality work, but I viewed it as an acceptable, albeit immovable part of my life. I have my moments of "excellence" (sure-what the hell, doesn't everybody?). What I have been struggling with are the habits that have molded my character, perspectives, and in a sense hindered my ability to evolve into a high level performer. The outlook I had was that failure is acceptable and cannot be changed into a different form. I thought that my failures were just a part of me because I was incapable of doing better, & in my mind I believed this in part because of my own low self esteem. I saw people around me doing better in school, progressing towards bigger better jobs, reaching all the goals I wanted at breakneck speeds, and seemingly effortless ease. I thought that since everyone moves so much quicker, that I must be the slow one; I must be deficient in some way- so why not have that negative view of ones self when 1) you have not set real goals for yourself, & 2) you find yourself stagnant while the world moves furiously past you? What I am slowly coming to see as the key to this whole mystery is that I never truly saw my achievements as anything special- I always compared myself to others (first and biggest mistake). I saw the goals I set and obtained as remedial tasks that everyone and anyone could accomplish. But now I realize just how ignorant that thinking was! Part of my problem has been owning up to my own achievements, and even living up to them sometimes. I will become so paralyzed at the mere thought of someone else criticizing me or shooting my achievemnt down that I choose not to reach for the glory to begin with. I chose the path of the cowardly: running down myself to not ruffled any feathers, and yet in the process the only thing I managed to achieve was a gross accumulation of finished returns; not just for career goals, but schooling, personal relationships, & professional relationships. It has never been more apparent to me how anxious I get when I am around my team than today. We were two members short, but my pulse was still racing, & I couldn't seem to look them each in the eye as I spoke my turn in discussion- if i did, it was only momentary.  Sometimes I would tremble to the point where I could not hold my utensils properly, or food would inadvertently drop as it approached my mouth.  Honestly, I never experienced anxiety of this level until I came to this environment, and I am pretty sure this is a gross imbalance of due process, incentive, or payment. 

The goals I initially had in mind for myself were never truly realized, never followed up on, and just plain "put on a shelf".

Building Blocks of the Universe

We each have patterns that make us who we are. As children, building these habits/patterns is a crucial part of the learning process- from brushing our teeth, to tying our shoes, or even noticing the complimentary patterns of wooden blocks that fit together to make a fort- all these thing are taught by our predecessors, so that we may live better, more productive lives and be happy, healthy adults adding positive value to the world around us.  If these habits and patterns are not taught to be transferable, or movable... you are screwed.

One of my greatest faults thus far lies in my inability to create positive habits for myself-not at random, but at will. To thoughtfully pluck out processes and devise winning habits beforehand is a challenge i have until now never sought to master.  So in terms of performance on the job, anybody can go into an office, receive an assignment & complete it. But it takes an individual of impeccable discipline and gumption to plan a structure of ideas, conversations, & most importantly processes, that leads to the most efficient environment possible (within reason, for that individual). It may seem daunting, but tackling even one item a day or week on your list should be enough to start a winning formula for success...at least that's what seems to work for some.

My plan is to start small-make a habit of drinking at least a liter of water a day. Make a day or two to call relatives. Spend Sundays cleaning...just to name a few. Next week I may turn to gaining control of my temperment and becoming more even-keeled for my family and friends (certainly more daunting than just makinh fone calls! Lol). If I can go a day or two without becoming extra chatty, angry, upset, or just being calmer in general, I will award myself by doing it all over again with another aspect of my day: professional conversation (maybe my family & friends will let me experiment on them?). I could even reward myself by buying a new power suit every wk...that would be a real treat!

Look  around you- the world is full of patterns, cyclical forces, innate characteristics passed on through generations. If nature supplies such wonderful, albeit beautiful, examples, why is it so difficult to take that same idea and use it in another environment? I think just the idea of syncing resources & tools with their counterparts of a mother nature is too abstract a thought for some to handle.  I know that stands true for me.  What about you? Your life is full of patterns- your very breath is rhythmic- a pattern of time, air, & flesh! How profound is that thought? That you can measure one action in so many ways, dimensions, & molecules is amazing!  We even know that molecules themselves have patterns made up of particles and magnetic bonds... Even the rotation of the planets is caused by forces unseen-forces that has formed this same rotational course for planets across the universe- what is being explored today as dark matter...

Why is it that all planets follow this same pattern? If they are different masses, why don't they move in they're own unique ways? Granted, they each have definitive characteristics respective to the planet or mass, but each follows the same pattern...if that doesn't express the value & importance of developing patterns, then I must be the biggest fool alive-or I just haven't read enough Science Journal ;)

Collecting dust?

I begin my journey with the purchase of a book. Just now reaching its 40th anniversary edition (I will refrain from revealing the name) my colleague and now mentor suggested it to me as a means to tracking my goals, motivators, & indicators.  And as I crack it open I can't help but be swept away by the initial adrenaline, thinking, "now my life begins, I'm going to follow this book precisely and get a better job, a better life, a be a better person!" But unfortunately that's not reality. Reality is that there is no precise formula for success. It takes multiple tries for some, and merely one for others. Perhaps my journey to happiness will be more direct, but I'm counting on it being wound around many corners, cliffs, mountains, and valleys. I can say that I finally see what I must do to become successful, & how hard I must work to make that dream manifest.  So much of my life has been based off of my viewing others and their successes and wondering when that "good luck bug" would bite me.  I guess you can say my thinking was slightly skewed, at best.  In this life, you cannot gamble with luck, you gamble with strategic moves, variable risks, & alternative moves in mind at all times. In this global market today, life is a game of chess, not hop scotch.

I see now that all those whom I envied so much worked hard, and some silently so, to get what they needed and wanted. I still wonder what kept me from following suit. Every move must be calculated to the decimal, and not a day should go by wherein you do not keep your end goal in mind. From the pennies and dollars you must save and or spend, to the relationships you foster and networks you build, all adds up to create the brand of YOU. 

I recall passing by a coworker's desk & noticing a quote about excellence written on their wall..."Excellence is not an act, but a habit" (Aristotle). After some light hearted conversation, I said, "What if your excellent habits come in spurts? What if you are a habitual excellence producer, but haven't gotten to that full blown stage?" My end point was to say that my excellence comes in sprint like moments, and jokingly, that my excellence was SO excellent in those moments that I nor anyone would have enough excellence left to sustain. Looking back at those moments, I realize the true, utter sad folly of it all: it's a profound statement that in a sense indicates where I am, & how I perceive myself. Not only did I realize that I do not produce consistent, high quality work, but I viewed it as an acceptable, albeit immovable part of my life. I have my moments of "excellence" (sure-what the hell, doesn't everybody?). What I have been struggling with are the habits that have molded my character, perspectives, and in a sense hindered my ability to evolve into a high level performer. The outlook I had was that failure is acceptable and cannot be changed into a different form. I thought that my failures were just a part of me because I was incapable of doing better, & in my mind I believed this in part because of my own low self esteem. I saw people around me doing better in school, progressing towards bigger better jobs, reaching all the goals I wanted at breakneck speeds, and seemingly effortless ease. I thought that since everyone moves so much quicker, that I must be the slow one; I must be deficient in some way- so why not have that negative view of ones self when 1) you have not set real goals for yourself, & 2) you find yourself stagnant while the world moves furiously past you? What I am slowly coming to see as the key to this whole mystery is that I never truly saw my achievements as anything special- I always compared myself to others (first and biggest mistake). I saw the goals I set and obtained as remedial tasks that everyone and anyone could accomplish. But now I realize just how ignorant that thinking was! Part of my problem has been owning up to my own achievements, and even living up to them sometimes. I will become so paralyzed at the mere thought of someone else criticizing me or shooting my achievemnt down that I choose not to reach for the glory to begin with. I chose the path of the cowardly: running down myself to not ruffled any feathers, and yet in the process the only thing I managed to achieve was a gross accumulation of finished returns; not just for career goals, but schooling, personal relationships, & professional relationships. It has never been more apparent to me how anxious I get when I am around my team than today. We were two members short, but my pulse was still racing, & I couldn't seem to look them each in the eye as I spoke my turn in discussion- if i did, it was only momentary.  Sometimes I would tremble to the point where I could not hold my utensils properly, or food would inadvertently drop as it approached my mouth.  Honestly, I never experienced anxiety of this level until I came to this environment, and I am pretty sure this is a gross imbalance of due process, incentive, or payment. 

The goals I initially had in mind for myself were never truly realized, never followed up on, and just plain "put on a shelf".

Realization is a helluva drug...

What happens when you reach a point in your life, in your barely beginnings of a career, & say, 'I don't know where to go or what to do, but I know I don't want THIS'?

I come from a family of educators: both parents have worked in academically their entire lives; both brothers have also, although now one has made a successful move to another industry (definitely enviable). So when it came time for me to make my own contribution to the industry, I was naturally happy to do so, but wary of my entry point- entry level non profit sector. Those who know me know that I feel not above any job if it presents itself with correct timing, but since being here about a year, its feels as though something is missing in my life.

So I began looking for courses to build my standing and help support a promotion that of course I feel is sorely deserved, and it comes to my attention that, 1) I am alone in my pursuit to boost my career or bolster my goal & agenda, & 2) if I ever have expectations of those around me within my org, I will be sorely disappointed, perhaps one day turned against or into a scapegoat.

What I have not mentioned thus far, is that I am a black woman with 2 degrees (and counting?). And I look white.  Not only do I feel tension from the majority (if they are aware) but there is also suspicion on the minority, black, side.  I will say, however, that it appears we are much too concerned about our individual pursuits to be focused on eachother for any wrongdoing, for which I am grateful. I started out with the hope that I could grow with this org, help my team become more effective and efficient, & perhaps rise a couple of ranks within... But slowly reality set in. 

My manager is fully cognizant of my career goals- art related, grants management professional, leaning towards citation is the route I really wanted to take.  But now I'm not so sure. I've register so much from the path that I don't know where I am going any more, & that can be a problem.

How did I know I was interested in managing museums at first? I knew that I wanted to always be in a space that gave me a feeling of wonder and amazement each day, where I would be surrounded by people that were so passionate about the work and the topics that arose therein that they would have no time to quibble over petty things like politics, & left personal matters at the door.  But more than anything, I wanted to do the research, analyze the data and build on the stories I found, proof I saw with my own eyes, & be able to piece together a logical representation of that. I wanted to explore new possibilities through ancient evidence, and maybe give different people insight into their past, maybe even build a better future.  The possibilities of building this type of work around multiple disciplines, & partnering with various sectors to improve some aging policies would definitely be a valid point of discussion in my eyes. How can an art historian, using all their resources, be able to build an accurate account of life in Venice, were it not for the multitudes of documents, personal journals, artwork, & architecture still found in Italy today?

At a certain point, after meeting a very special person, I came to realize just how much I am selling myself short, & how much I am underutilizing my own skills.  After meeting with a colleague who barely even knows my story, I was given a rude awakening to the reality of my situation and guidance towards a new hope for myself.  I am intelligent, over qualified, and simply misguided (by mostly my own doing). My first realization gave me the motivation, the second gave me goals & hope.  Now, all I have to do is act.