What happens when you reach a point in your life, in your barely beginnings of a career, & say, 'I don't know where to go or what to do, but I know I don't want THIS'?
I come from a family of educators: both parents have worked in academically their entire lives; both brothers have also, although now one has made a successful move to another industry (definitely enviable). So when it came time for me to make my own contribution to the industry, I was naturally happy to do so, but wary of my entry point- entry level non profit sector. Those who know me know that I feel not above any job if it presents itself with correct timing, but since being here about a year, its feels as though something is missing in my life.
So I began looking for courses to build my standing and help support a promotion that of course I feel is sorely deserved, and it comes to my attention that, 1) I am alone in my pursuit to boost my career or bolster my goal & agenda, & 2) if I ever have expectations of those around me within my org, I will be sorely disappointed, perhaps one day turned against or into a scapegoat.
What I have not mentioned thus far, is that I am a black woman with 2 degrees (and counting?). And I look white. Not only do I feel tension from the majority (if they are aware) but there is also suspicion on the minority, black, side. I will say, however, that it appears we are much too concerned about our individual pursuits to be focused on eachother for any wrongdoing, for which I am grateful. I started out with the hope that I could grow with this org, help my team become more effective and efficient, & perhaps rise a couple of ranks within... But slowly reality set in.
My manager is fully cognizant of my career goals- art related, grants management professional, leaning towards citation is the route I really wanted to take. But now I'm not so sure. I've register so much from the path that I don't know where I am going any more, & that can be a problem.
How did I know I was interested in managing museums at first? I knew that I wanted to always be in a space that gave me a feeling of wonder and amazement each day, where I would be surrounded by people that were so passionate about the work and the topics that arose therein that they would have no time to quibble over petty things like politics, & left personal matters at the door. But more than anything, I wanted to do the research, analyze the data and build on the stories I found, proof I saw with my own eyes, & be able to piece together a logical representation of that. I wanted to explore new possibilities through ancient evidence, and maybe give different people insight into their past, maybe even build a better future. The possibilities of building this type of work around multiple disciplines, & partnering with various sectors to improve some aging policies would definitely be a valid point of discussion in my eyes. How can an art historian, using all their resources, be able to build an accurate account of life in Venice, were it not for the multitudes of documents, personal journals, artwork, & architecture still found in Italy today?
At a certain point, after meeting a very special person, I came to realize just how much I am selling myself short, & how much I am underutilizing my own skills. After meeting with a colleague who barely even knows my story, I was given a rude awakening to the reality of my situation and guidance towards a new hope for myself. I am intelligent, over qualified, and simply misguided (by mostly my own doing). My first realization gave me the motivation, the second gave me goals & hope. Now, all I have to do is act.
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