Collecting dust?

I begin my journey with the purchase of a book. Just now reaching its 40th anniversary edition (I will refrain from revealing the name) my colleague and now mentor suggested it to me as a means to tracking my goals, motivators, & indicators.  And as I crack it open I can't help but be swept away by the initial adrenaline, thinking, "now my life begins, I'm going to follow this book precisely and get a better job, a better life, a be a better person!" But unfortunately that's not reality. Reality is that there is no precise formula for success. It takes multiple tries for some, and merely one for others. Perhaps my journey to happiness will be more direct, but I'm counting on it being wound around many corners, cliffs, mountains, and valleys. I can say that I finally see what I must do to become successful, & how hard I must work to make that dream manifest.  So much of my life has been based off of my viewing others and their successes and wondering when that "good luck bug" would bite me.  I guess you can say my thinking was slightly skewed, at best.  In this life, you cannot gamble with luck, you gamble with strategic moves, variable risks, & alternative moves in mind at all times. In this global market today, life is a game of chess, not hop scotch.

I see now that all those whom I envied so much worked hard, and some silently so, to get what they needed and wanted. I still wonder what kept me from following suit. Every move must be calculated to the decimal, and not a day should go by wherein you do not keep your end goal in mind. From the pennies and dollars you must save and or spend, to the relationships you foster and networks you build, all adds up to create the brand of YOU. 

I recall passing by a coworker's desk & noticing a quote about excellence written on their wall..."Excellence is not an act, but a habit" (Aristotle). After some light hearted conversation, I said, "What if your excellent habits come in spurts? What if you are a habitual excellence producer, but haven't gotten to that full blown stage?" My end point was to say that my excellence comes in sprint like moments, and jokingly, that my excellence was SO excellent in those moments that I nor anyone would have enough excellence left to sustain. Looking back at those moments, I realize the true, utter sad folly of it all: it's a profound statement that in a sense indicates where I am, & how I perceive myself. Not only did I realize that I do not produce consistent, high quality work, but I viewed it as an acceptable, albeit immovable part of my life. I have my moments of "excellence" (sure-what the hell, doesn't everybody?). What I have been struggling with are the habits that have molded my character, perspectives, and in a sense hindered my ability to evolve into a high level performer. The outlook I had was that failure is acceptable and cannot be changed into a different form. I thought that my failures were just a part of me because I was incapable of doing better, & in my mind I believed this in part because of my own low self esteem. I saw people around me doing better in school, progressing towards bigger better jobs, reaching all the goals I wanted at breakneck speeds, and seemingly effortless ease. I thought that since everyone moves so much quicker, that I must be the slow one; I must be deficient in some way- so why not have that negative view of ones self when 1) you have not set real goals for yourself, & 2) you find yourself stagnant while the world moves furiously past you? What I am slowly coming to see as the key to this whole mystery is that I never truly saw my achievements as anything special- I always compared myself to others (first and biggest mistake). I saw the goals I set and obtained as remedial tasks that everyone and anyone could accomplish. But now I realize just how ignorant that thinking was! Part of my problem has been owning up to my own achievements, and even living up to them sometimes. I will become so paralyzed at the mere thought of someone else criticizing me or shooting my achievemnt down that I choose not to reach for the glory to begin with. I chose the path of the cowardly: running down myself to not ruffled any feathers, and yet in the process the only thing I managed to achieve was a gross accumulation of finished returns; not just for career goals, but schooling, personal relationships, & professional relationships. It has never been more apparent to me how anxious I get when I am around my team than today. We were two members short, but my pulse was still racing, & I couldn't seem to look them each in the eye as I spoke my turn in discussion- if i did, it was only momentary.  Sometimes I would tremble to the point where I could not hold my utensils properly, or food would inadvertently drop as it approached my mouth.  Honestly, I never experienced anxiety of this level until I came to this environment, and I am pretty sure this is a gross imbalance of due process, incentive, or payment. 

The goals I initially had in mind for myself were never truly realized, never followed up on, and just plain "put on a shelf".